Thought for the day 6/23/08

‘Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.’

Late Sunday night humor

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!

9. If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.

Religious truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Thoughts on aging

• You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• Your back goes out more than you do.

Dammit my back has so many cramps in the muscles, it resembles a weight lifters.

I’m gonna go get my hair done.  At least I’m not one of those little blue hair ladies with no lips!

More old age symptoms

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

A Bad Day at Hallmark

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 

Some more good things about getting older 3/30/08

• People call at 9 a.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Some good things about getting older Mar. 29th

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

What was that noise?

It’s scary when your body starts making the same sounds as your coffee maker.

A tip on looking younger

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.