So here I am sitting in the airport…dreading the return trip. The trip to ABQ was not so pleasant. The weather was nice but the wind reminded me of West Texas.
We board the plane. This flight attendant named Pamela welcomed everyone aboard. I was lucky enough to get a front seat. I buckled up and opened my novel. (Yes, I also read compulsively…ocd shit you know.)
Pamela….."If everyone would get their carryon's put away we can push off and get to Dallas 5 minutes early. We have a tail wind today….or is it a head wind. Anyway, If y'all would get a move on we can get outta here. Now you guys hurry….I know you're not that slow when the wife says dinner's ready."
She stands in the doorway talking to workers on the loading ramp. "Abercrombie? Abercrombie, I know that's not your real name. Nobody, but nobody names their kid Abercrombie." Another passenger steps inside the plane. "You know I almost left without you honey." The front rows are roaring with laughter.
We push away from the terminal and she goes into her speal. "Welcome aboard southwest airlines…yada yada yada." I swear to God she said the yada's! "If you're traveling with children today (very lowly) man do I feel sorry for you." the whole plane cracks up laughing. "You'll notice above you is the button to call the flight attendants. Do not press this button or you will be ejected. There are holes in the top of this plane for people just like you."
The flight attendants take their seats for take off. She is on the speaker. "If you'll notice the lights in the plane have been dimmed….it's because of the heat and I'm having a hot flash." More laughter.
Someone one row behind me and the isle over hits the call attendant button. "hey you" she says, "yeah, you…the one who had to ride the short, yellow bus to school every day." He lamely says he hit it by accident. "Well, hit it again, I can't get out of the seat yet."
All thoughts of the novel have long vanished. I start taking notes in the back of it…trying to get down all the wit that Pamela is spouting.
Pamela explained how she and her 8 brothers and sisters had to ride the short yellow bus to school every day. One of her parents was the bus driver and that was the assurance that they would all get there. "I was full grown before I discovered that all of my brothers and sister were CRAZY." She explained how her parents wouldn't allow her and her sisters to wear make up. "And to this day, only me and my sister Dolly Parton, wear make up. You didn't know Dolly was my sister?" Laughter again. Obviously Pamela is delusional. Pamela is black and built like a tree trunk.
The next thing I know we are preparing for landing in Dallas. This is my best flight ever. As the passengers left the plane we all said goodbye to Pamela and told her…."you're the greatest!"
Thank you Southwest Airlines for finding and keeping this beautiful, witty lady!