Employee’s hand book

February 27, 2007

SICK DAYS   We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS   Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK   Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE   It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE   This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE   Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under “Chronic Offenders.”

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience

Oldie but goodie ganked from The old thang.


Texas Sand Storm

February 24, 2007

blowing-dust.jpg This is a sight rarely seen in North Texas, but quite frequent in West Texas where I was raised.  The last sandstorm we had here was the night my Dad died 3 years ago.  I said the storm was cause he was telling me he was blowing in the wind.  Gotta call Mom and make sure she’s ok.

 We lost the greenhouse at work today.  We’ll probably find parts of it 20 miles away.  Milk crates were flying around like paper. 

If you’ve never seen a sand storm, thank your lucky stars.  Nothing like sand blasted contact lens. 😦


I LOVE being a woman!

February 19, 2007

Mammograms
Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOT AL LY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there……..

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause…………

Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?………And

When we have real trouble it’s HISterectomy!!!!

Don’t forget to have a mammogram!

Stolen from my precious Bastardette. 😀


Lubbock here I come – and other random thoughts

February 15, 2007

Going this afternoon to Lubbock to visit members of the clan:  The poor Bastard, my brother, I’ve invited myself to be his house guest!; the Bastardette, my daughter from Albuquerque is driving in tomorrow:  and last, least and the meanest, the Grand Bastardette, my mom.  Have to do some VA business for Mom and mixing business with pleasure.

My son found the missing item in the washing machine.  Seems my teeth were prolly in my jammies pocket.  That little trick just cost $1,200.00…….groan.

I’ll be back on Saturday night, so y’all hold the fort down and I’ll see you then.

Love to all my friends and family that read this blog. 😀


My valentine

February 14, 2007

delanie.jpgCan’t believe this beautiful baby is almost 15 years old.  My granddaughter Delanie. 

To all my friends, I hope this day brings you everything your heart desires.  For those who are hurting, I hope this day brings peace and joy. 

To my family and that special person, I love you more than you can know.


New smile

February 12, 2007

My smile looks normal today. 😀  New teeth in mouth, I was dying for something solid to eat.  I’m sick to death of oatmeal.  Not happening.  Ulcers appearing everywhere in my mouth.  OMG, great I get to go through THIS again.  Another appointment with the dentist soon!!!

I was wonderful being back at work.  The kids thought I had been gone at least a year instead of a week.  Every one of them wanted to talk to me.  I told them I would come and see THEM during their breaks.  I made it by each room and talked every kid for a few minutes.  God, I missed them.  These absences make me so glad to go back to work.  I am one of the fortunates that get paid for doing what I love.


Crazy excuses

February 7, 2007

In all my years in the working world, expecially as a supervisor, I’ve heard all kinds of crazy excuses for not showing up to work.  Today, I think I used the craziest I’ve ever heard.

Me:  Lisa, I know you’ve been a boss for years.  What is the craziest excuse you have ever heard for a person not coming to work?

Lisa:  I’ve heard one or two.

Me:  Well here’s mine.  I lost my bottom denture.  Went to bed with it in my mouth last night.  This morning it was gone.  It is now 4:30 PM and I haven’t found it yet.  Looks like I won’t be to work til I get my new one back.  I just left the dentist and it won’t be ready til Monday or Tuesday.

Lisa:  WHAT!?!?!?!?

Me:  I kid you not.  I tore up my room a few times.  Tore my bed down to the floor.  I didn’t get up in the night.  I thought I was just in a panic, so I got Adam (the Bastard Jr.) to look.  Same thing. 

Lisa:  DID YOU SWALLOW IT?

Me:  Well while I was thinking I looked up on the internet ‘swallowed dentures’.  It talked about the thousands of people it happens to each year, so I went to the doctor.  X-ray showed nothing.

Lisa:  What do you think happened? 

Me:  I think the tooth fairy stole it.  Hell, I don’t know!!!  I just know that it have shelled out $1,200.00 for a new one.  I’m depressed!!!

Lisa:  OK, I’ll tell Dee (my supervisor).  I hope you find your teeth.

Me:  Me too.  Every one needs a spare set of teeth.  (insert sarcasm here)

St. Anthony, patron saint of lost stuff…….HELP!