Employee’s hand book

SICK DAYS   We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS   Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK   Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE   It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE   This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE   Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under “Chronic Offenders.”

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience

Oldie but goodie ganked from The old thang.

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10 Responses to Employee’s hand book

  1. Charline says:

    Mmm… sounds like you stold the paper work from Rick’s new positon at his night time job…added to all that it said’s the beatings will continue until the moral improves!! Sucks…..you made a joke and he is living the joke!!! God help us!
    Hoep everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather!

  2. Sandra says:

    It used to be this way at my job, but when new superintendent came in a few years ago she put a halt to it. Thank you Jesus! Tell Rick sorry from me.

  3. john says:

    That is fantastic. Reminds me of some places I have worked.
    Jboats

  4. Debe says:

    I’m so glad I don’t have to work at that place anymore!

  5. susan says:

    i thought i had that only copy of out tyc handbook!!!

  6. Karin says:

    Of course the companion to this is the “how to poop at work” handbook. Pull my finger…

  7. Mr Angry says:

    Being toilet obsessed my favourite was the idea of the toilet door springing open after 5 minutes.

  8. Queen Minx says:

    Ha ha! I am defo a toilet offender … one job I had years ago, I would regularly go missing for the length of time it takes to have … 40 winks!

    xx

  9. happychick says:

    Awww I love it! I can soo see myself ending up in a place like that…

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