God Bless Texas

July 13, 2010
thanks to my sister Elaine;

This is a must read for all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or wanna-be Texans:

Just Texas

Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Pearland, Texas 77581
Orange, Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities?  Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436
Cleveland, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448

Pittsburg, Texas 75686

Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Columbus, Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613

Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse, Texas   75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas   79031
We have a city named after our state:
Texas City, Texas   77590

Energy, Texas   76452

Blanket, Texas   76432
Winters,  Texas 79567

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna,  Texas 76878
Goliad,  Texas 77963
Alamo, Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City,  Texas 75156
Robert  Lee ,  Texas 76945

Need Office Supplies?
Staples,  Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus, Texas   76084
Mars, Texas   79062

You guessed it. It’s on the state line.
Texline, Texas   79087

For the kids…
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other names in Texas, to make you smile…
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites…
Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas

West, Texas (it’s in Central Texas)

and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas 79347

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas
If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas;

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Texas;

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you may live in Texas;

If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody’s passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees ‘a little chilly,’
you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends,
DEFINITELY live in Texas.

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about  Texas:

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 829 miles
2. Beaumont to Nashville, TN: 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
4. World’s first rodeo was in  Pecos, July 4,1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
Destroyed by Hurricane Ike – 2008!

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at  Rice University in Houston.

7.  Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of  North America’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was “Houston,” but the Space Center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger
than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43″ in 24 hours in and around
Alvin in July of 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of  Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation.
This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same
height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated
to be 1500 years old.

16.  Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.

18.  Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia, and Austin.

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the  U.S., which is taller than the Capitol   Building in  Washington, DC (by 7 feet).

20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller
than the Washington Monument.

21. The name ‘Texas’ comes from
the Hasini Indian word ‘tejas’ meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo.
An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo
is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have
four males or four females.

23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,  Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin’.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin’ before God.
(6) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal.
(7) No killin’.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers.
(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

Y’all git all that?

“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.”

He knows if you’ve been bad or good!

December 25, 2009

Yearly exam

March 11, 2009

Yearly Exam

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?’ she asks.

‘135,’ I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weigh is 180.

The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’

‘5 foot 4,’ I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’2′.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

‘Of course it’s high!’ I scream,

‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’

The doctor put me on Prozac. That nurse is a bitch.

Courtesy of The Bastardette!

That’s how the fight started

March 11, 2009

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a

cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started……
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started……
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, had
some breakfast, and slipped quietly into the garage.

With intentions of starting it in the street, I clicked the Harley into neutral, punched the garage door remote, and proceeded out into a torrential downpour.

It was raining sideways since the wind was blowing 50 mph, so I backed her into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The
weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that?”

And that is when the fight started…
A man and a woman were asleep at 3:00 am like two innocent babies. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed scared and jumped naked out the window. He landed in a thorn bush, and then ran to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And that’s when the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s how the fight started…..

Shamelessly stolen from The Bastard.

Saturday’s rationalization

December 6, 2008

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

A few years ago my supervisor and I were walking around the property at work.  There was a telephone pole the kids use for team work exercises.  He made some statement about the ‘gunk’ that it is coated with.  ‘Yeah, creosote’ I responded.  He told me how smart I am – how I know all kinds of things like ‘creosote’.  ‘It’s not smart honey.  If you don’t know a lot of stuff at my age it’s called STUPID!.’  True story.

Friday funny

December 5, 2008

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

Thursday humor

December 4, 2008

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

Sucess through the ages

October 14, 2008

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is. . having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is. having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is. .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 successes is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Thought for the day 6/23/08

June 23, 2008

‘Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.’

Late Sunday night humor

May 11, 2008

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!

9. If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.