Words for women to live by

Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

Momma

Wanda Kenley - R.I.P.

November 30, 1922 – March 29, 2009

Rest in Peace Mom, I love you.

Almond toffee

1 lb. of butter

1 lb. light brown sugar

32 ounces of sliced almonds

12 regular Hershey bars

Heat oven to 300 degrees to roast almonds in the pan

you will use for the candy.  I knead them to break

them up some and smooth them out in pan.  I roast

them while I am starting my candy for about 5-10 min.

After taking the pan out of the oven I take out of the

pan all but a thin layer of almonds and the rest go into

a bowl to add to the toffee topping…on top of the choc.

Bring butter and brown sugar to a boil (at this point I

add a handfull of almonds saved from the pan).  I cook

at medium high on an electric range/med. gas.  I use

the Taylor Thermometer and bring it to 283 degrees

removing immediately and pouring it over warm almonds

spreading evenly.  Quickly cover with the Hershey bars

and smooth out then add the rest of the almonds and

lightly press all with a potato masher.  After it cools

a little, I press with the potato masher again.  Let it

set for 24 hours before cutting into pieces.

The secret to this recipe is to “wash the pot” as it

is cooking by dipping a rubber spatula (Pampered Chef

preferred as it can tolerate high heat) into a cup of water

and washing down the sides of the pot frequently…this

keeps the sugar from crystalizing on the sides.

This all sounds difficult but if you have your candy

unwrapped and stacked beside the pan where your

candy will be poured…it will take about 30 minutes.

25 years and counting

On March 21, 1984 I was diagnosed with cancer.  Other than a blip and surgery again in 1988, I have been cancer free for 25 years.  Since I was diagnosed on my 37th birthday, I have a constant reminder of the many things I have to be grateful for.   Many people bemoan birthdays.  I am amazed and grateful for everyone that comes around.  I can’t believe I am 62.  I don’t know what it is supposed to feel like, but I feel great!  I can still work circles around 30 year olds.  My mind still functions (sometimes )

I would not recommend anyone go through the experience of cancer.  I believe it was the single incident that turned the course of my life around.  I don’t wait to be happy.  I have discovered that happiness comes in bits and pieces.  It comes every single day.  If I’m not in the moment…I miss it.

My sister told me today that I have a wicked sense of humor.  It is true and has probably kept me alive.  I said many times that first year…

If I die it will probably make a lot of people happy, I’m hanging around just to PISS THEM OFF!

Yearly exam

Yearly Exam

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?’ she asks.

‘135,’ I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weigh is 180.

The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’

‘5 foot 4,’ I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5′2′.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

‘Of course it’s high!’ I scream,

‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’

The doctor put me on Prozac. That nurse is a bitch.

Courtesy of The Bastardette!

That’s how the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a

cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started……
**************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….
**************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started……
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, had
some breakfast, and slipped quietly into the garage.

With intentions of starting it in the street, I clicked the Harley into neutral, punched the garage door remote, and proceeded out into a torrential downpour.

It was raining sideways since the wind was blowing 50 mph, so I backed her into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The
weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that?”

And that is when the fight started…
__________________________________________________
A man and a woman were asleep at 3:00 am like two innocent babies. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed scared and jumped naked out the window. He landed in a thorn bush, and then ran to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And that’s when the fight started…
***************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s how the fight started…..

Shamelessly stolen from The Bastard.

The end of a generation – R.I.P. Joyce McBeth

There was an average of 3 years difference in the ages of my Daddy’s brothers and sisters…..7 in all.  There were two girls that were stillborn, but I never knew (or forgot) where they were in the birth order.  Aunt Joyce was the baby.

Aunt Joyce endured more than I believe I ever could.  How do you bury two children.  Max died 14 years ago and Jan 2.  She loved her husband, her children, her many neices and nephews and the friends she made everywhere she went.

When Jan died a couple of years ago, the cousins vowed that we were tired of seeing each other only at funerals.  Every few months 4 out of the 7 that made the pledge meet at a restaurant, and more recently, a nursing home (my cousin broke her leg and had to have rehab).  Sherry, Joyce’s only living child, is one of the four.  Before Thanksgiving, Sherry made plans for all of us to meet at Aunt Joyce’s retirement home surprise her by having Thanksgiving dinner with her.  The weather was cold, the wind was horrible, the Dallas traffic miserable….but we were there.  Aunt Joyce was so surprised.  We all had a wonderful time.  She told us during dinner that she misses her brothers and sisters so much.  I am so grateful that we visited her that night.  That we shared a meal together.  That is the memory I will take with me.

Tonight I hope she is having a family reunion with Uncle Luke and Aunt Bertha, Aunt ‘Sis’ and Uncle Cecil, Uncle Lewis and Aunt Rose, Uncle Dub and Aunt Dorothy, My beloved Daddy, Aunt Helen and Uncle Bill, her husband ‘Speedy’, and children Jan and Max.

May the souls of the dearly departed, rest in peace.

Saturday’s rationalization

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

A few years ago my supervisor and I were walking around the property at work.  There was a telephone pole the kids use for team work exercises.  He made some statement about the ‘gunk’ that it is coated with.  ‘Yeah, creosote’ I responded.  He told me how smart I am – how I know all kinds of things like ‘creosote’.  ‘It’s not smart honey.  If you don’t know a lot of stuff at my age it’s called STUPID!.’  True story.

Friday funny

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

Thursday humor

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.