Thought for the day – January 24, 2010

January 24, 2010

I live in a  country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill people without treatment.  Yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations.


Yearly exam

March 11, 2009

Yearly Exam

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?’ she asks.

‘135,’ I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weigh is 180.

The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’

‘5 foot 4,’ I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’2′.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

‘Of course it’s high!’ I scream,

‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’

The doctor put me on Prozac. That nurse is a bitch.

Courtesy of The Bastardette!


That’s how the fight started

March 11, 2009

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a

cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************************************
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started……
**************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….
**************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started……
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, had
some breakfast, and slipped quietly into the garage.

With intentions of starting it in the street, I clicked the Harley into neutral, punched the garage door remote, and proceeded out into a torrential downpour.

It was raining sideways since the wind was blowing 50 mph, so I backed her into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The
weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that?”

And that is when the fight started…
__________________________________________________
A man and a woman were asleep at 3:00 am like two innocent babies. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed scared and jumped naked out the window. He landed in a thorn bush, and then ran to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And that’s when the fight started…
***************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s how the fight started…..

Shamelessly stolen from The Bastard.


The end of a generation – R.I.P. Joyce McBeth

February 2, 2009

joyce-mcbeth-obit-pane

There was an average of 3 years difference in the ages of my Daddy’s brothers and sisters…..7 in all.  There were two girls that were stillborn, but I never knew (or forgot) where they were in the birth order.  Aunt Joyce was the baby.

Aunt Joyce endured more than I believe I ever could.  How do you bury two children.  Max died 14 years ago and Jan 2.  She loved her husband, her children, her many neices and nephews and the friends she made everywhere she went.

When Jan died a couple of years ago, the cousins vowed that we were tired of seeing each other only at funerals.  Every few months 4 out of the 7 that made the pledge meet at a restaurant, and more recently, a nursing home (my cousin broke her leg and had to have rehab).  Sherry, Joyce’s only living child, is one of the four.  Before Thanksgiving, Sherry made plans for all of us to meet at Aunt Joyce’s retirement home surprise her by having Thanksgiving dinner with her.  The weather was cold, the wind was horrible, the Dallas traffic miserable….but we were there.  Aunt Joyce was so surprised.  We all had a wonderful time.  She told us during dinner that she misses her brothers and sisters so much.  I am so grateful that we visited her that night.  That we shared a meal together.  That is the memory I will take with me.

Tonight I hope she is having a family reunion with Uncle Luke and Aunt Bertha, Aunt ‘Sis’ and Uncle Cecil, Uncle Lewis and Aunt Rose, Uncle Dub and Aunt Dorothy, My beloved Daddy, Aunt Helen and Uncle Bill, her husband ‘Speedy’, and children Jan and Max.

May the souls of the dearly departed, rest in peace.


Happy Veterans Day

November 11, 2008

To all the men and women in all areas of service, Thank you for defending our country!


Dia de los muertos – Day of the dead

October 31, 2008

The Day of the Dead is a holiday celebrated widely in the Mexican culture of Mexico and North America.  The purpose it to remember and celebrate the lives of deceased family and friends.  On this day I will celebrate the lives of these people: My Dad, Gene Kenley: Grandmother, Dessie Redwine; Cousin, Jan Furrh; best g/friend Connie; best guy friend; Charles.  There are many more, but those specifically who have left this life most recently.  A friend at work told me yesterday that in the Mexican culture there are 3 deaths: when the spirit leaves the body, when the body is burried and the final is when no one remembers you.

May the souls of these dearly departed, rest in peace.


Thought for The Day – July 15, 2008

July 15, 2008

Enjoy the trip called the journey of life…..the destination is final.

Tomorrow my youngest son will be 31 years old.  I was wondering today where it had all gone.  My life is like most, with its ups and downs.  There are some things that, if I could, I would have done differently.  If I had I then I would not be the person I have become today.  I’m not unhappy how my life turned out.  My only real regrets are those things that have harmed others, specifically my family.